when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
No. He’s not coming out to play
#milo
Breaking news:
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Today’s Times
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Match dot com, but for socks.
a god among men
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.