me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
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If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir