Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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relationship goals
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.