Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”