movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money