More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.