I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*