If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You Might Also Like
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Yup!
Most fashion shows these days…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
🐕🍷
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad