Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
dream blunt rotation
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family