My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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Breaking news:
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds