Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
You Might Also Like
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*