me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.