I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”