Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls