[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown