Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Noah
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
be careful
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO