Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
yeet
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Rt to bother an English speaker
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back