Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
? 💀
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Squirrel having fun.. 😅