The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.