My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter