*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
You Might Also Like
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.