accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement