A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
You Might Also Like
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
buys donuts instead
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
incredible text to wake up to
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
🤣🤣💀
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.