I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.