My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.