You Might Also Like
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Selfie
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
3% human
97% stress
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.