“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move