They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces