A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.