therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office