I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
We found love in a hopeless place.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head