Meanwhile in Portland…
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GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen