Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
You Might Also Like
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My plans: 2020:
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.