Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
You Might Also Like
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Still a very good boi….
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh