Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Nomnomnomnom
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic