Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
A collection of me turning into random objects.
very niche meme I made
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!