Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
You Might Also Like
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Today’s Times
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.