Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly