“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.