STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.