her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
an octopus is just a wet spider
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
They must have gotten it to go.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good