Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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This bar smells like my childhood.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
everyone’s a critic
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I have obtained a hat
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
We need more people like this.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.