Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?