COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I love the National Park Service.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.