There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
You Might Also Like
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Bond. Trauma bond.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved