You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Liquor Store Parking
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha