Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
A short story about romance.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*