I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me as a therapist: omg same
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
figuring out my emotional availability:
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute