I’d hang this in my house.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.