Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Okay me first
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.